On Being 36

It's been an interesting year. To be honest I barely remember this time one year ago. All I can really say with any honesty is that there isn't a facet of my life that hasn't changed or isn't changing now. I've moved through some of the most difficult times in my life. To be honest again, I never thought I'd see again the kind of struggle that I had in my 20's. Throughout this year I became powerfully aware of the impact that my way of being had on people in my life. I never quite realized just how I was to and with people I cared about. Someone said to someone who recently said to be, that when we're with people we either leave them full of possibility or dis-empowered. There's no in-between. I had lived much of my life in the in-between, which actually rounds down to dis-empowered. When people are dis-empowered in their relations with you, things happen. Friends get lost, relationships get vague, haziness that leads to bleakness quickly swoops in. Honestly I think we bring it in so that we can't see just what's happening. I spent much of last year not understanding why things were the way they were. Don't get me wrong, my kids are healthy, my home and bills are mostly paid for, my life wasn't tragic or as bad as it could be and there clearly was something missing. That missing was me. I wasn't in my own life. I spent most of that time and time before it, acting as if life could actual happen to me, believing that something else could be the cause of my life, other than me. 

So a few months ago things started to change for me. None bigger than when someone said "We judge people for their actions, and we judge ourselves for our intentions" and "No one can ever actually know who your are inside. they only know you as you show up to be". Two sentences changed my life forever. You see I had it that I was a good guy, capable, lovable, good father, good employee, good husband ect.... I had it that was my intention and whenever I missed the mark, I judge myself on my intention. People judged me on my action, they knew me as I showed up to be.....and that landed on me....in way I cannot describe. 

Here's the good part. I chose something different. I chose to show up as a good husband. That was first, and probably the hardest and most important. So what does a good husband do? Loves his wife, fully, crazily, without reserve-without judgement-with everything he's got, no matter what's in his head, he uses his heart. so I committed to that and most the time manage to do it. Then I chose to be a good father. To take myself out of my relationship with my kids, and just leave space and them. (That could sound confusing but your kids are best when you're just there to be with them...no other agenda). Next I chose to be a good employee. I find people's reaction to this interesting. I chose to contribute to the company that work for. Not judge or condemn or take advantage of, but to contribute. I chose to make this job the job of my dreams. (Try it, it's worth it) 

So on being 36 I have a few things to say: It took me 36 years to realizing that I'm the source of my life. I'm responsible for it. I'm responsible for how I make it and how it impacts people in my life. And it's been perfect the way it's played out....even or especially the parts I like the least. Nothing get's you out of your comfortable cage like a rotten egg...or a dozen.